About 20 years ago, I was in the hospital for the “portion” of treatment and physiotherapy for the spondylitis that I have had for almost 35 years. I had noticed that whenever I was hospitalized, usually for 2 weeks, the pain disappeared. Not only the pain caused by spondylitis, but also stomach, intestinal and menstrual ones. The mental fog was getting better and so was the anxiety. I believed that rest (I was in bed for 2 weeks, only getting up for treatment and physical therapy) and fairly strong medication were responsible for these improvements.
The mind-body relationship
Until an incident made me believe that it is not so. During that time I was taking care of my grandmother. She was over 80 years old, with dementia and a cruel stubbornness. I had made great efforts to find a dentist who wanted to consult her, all of them had refused me when they heard about her age and ailments. I was in the hospital, and my husband was going to take her to the dentist, a consultation scheduled many days in advance.
But my husband called me and said that grandma doesn’t want to go. As much as we both tried to convince her, she didn’t want to. Although she had insisted that she was in pain and wanted to go to the dentist. And I had searched desperately, and had finally found one who would receive her. And I knew that once I returned home, she would accuse me of not taking her to the dentist. I felt myself getting angry. At the same second, my stomach started to hurt. Then the pain went down into the intestines.
At that moment I realized that it wasn’t just the rest and medication that made all the pain go away when I was in the hospital, but also the distance from home and all the problems there. I started reading about stomach and intestinal pain. Until then I thought the anti-inflammatory medication had caused my ulcer, as every doctor I had seen up to that point had diagnosed me with.
No doctor had told me that if my “food” consisted of anger, rigid mental patterns, and inflexibility, my stomach would suffer. I didn’t accept my life, I didn’t see the point of suffering and I didn’t perceive that others were suffering around me. I constantly oscillate between anger and apathy. I was either aggressive or exhausted.
I had no idea what was happening to me, I was totally disconnected from my body and emotions. I was a disaster. I was afraid of everything. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I was full of pain and I just wanted it to go away. There wasn’t a day when something didn’t hurt: my joints, my stomach, my intestines, menstrual cramps, my kidneys, my bladder, my gall bladder, my ribs, my sternum… I didn’t want to feel this body that hurt anymore. Then I began to understand that the emotions, the psyche and the body are connected, that evil in the mind is connected to evil in the body. It was a starting point.
Feminine and masculine, yin and yang
“To do” is a masculine verb, yang. It involves action, movement, speed, strength, planning. It denotes an energy focused on the outside, on giving. At the other end is “to be”. The feminine verb, yin, which shows contemplation, flow, harmony, creation and creativity. Feminine energy is internalized and focused on receiving and feeling.
When out of balance, masculine energy can be aggressive, competitive, controlling and confrontational. And feminine energy can be manipulative, hysterical, codependent and needy.
If we imagine the masculine as a huge, strong oak that does not bend in the wind, then the feminine is like a lush reed that dances with every breeze. Yang is strong, yin is flexible. We all have both energies. Whether you are a woman or a man, you have both feminine and masculine energy. They work together, and when they are balanced, we can say that we are fulfilled and harmonious.
I was repressing my yin energy at that time. I was always in masculine energy, “to do”. I wanted to control everything, I didn’t accept any deviation. I was calculating my way from work to home, and if the tram was late I got angry. If it rained I would get angry. If there was a line for bagels I would get angry (yes, then my breakfast consisted of a warm bagel bought on the street corner). If a mosquito buzzed me I got angry.
I was afraid to be alone. Leaving alone. I was afraid to feel. I only felt fear and pain, because they were the only emotions strong enough to penetrate my controlling wall. I didn’t allow myself to feel. Emotions were building up and I wasn’t letting them out. I was not a balanced person. No wonder I was so sick.
What balance between yin and yang means for a woman
Professor Borțun (a sociologist) said that the woman is like a prisoner, locked between the kitchen, job, children, cleaning. I read on Facebook groups cries for help from women who feel that they can no longer cope with daily duties and I am horrified. Those women can’t get out of masculine energy, they don’t have time to be women.
Yes, women are prisoners. Prisoners of the current mentality, which says that the woman must work, have a job side by side with the man, “earn her own bread”. But they are also prisoners of the old mentality, which says that the woman must take care of the house and the children, wash, cook, feed, educate, comfort. From the clash of the two mentalities emerges the current role of the woman: prisoner.
If she is always forced to “do”, she has no time to “be”. From that “being” the woman blossoms and spreads calmness and harmony around. Only in this way can she comfort, ease the suffering of those around her, feed them with food loaded with love. My soul hurts when I read how women overwhelmed by so much work desperately ask how to get rid of the “burden” of cooking.
The woman who is predominantly in feminine energy has magical powers. Everything that is felt in feminine energy is transposed into material, as is everything that is made of masculine energy. A balanced person can have results from both “doing” and “feeling”. But women today feel guilty when they take time for themselves, to sit and feel. What do you mean to stay!? To sit for nothing!? When there is so much ”to do”!? Women don’t know how to feel.
I wanted to write a chapter with “what balance between yin and yang means for a man”, but I will limit myself to just one paragraph. A man usually “does”. And that is good, a man must be predominantly in masculine energy. But through education he is not allowed to “feel”: what, are you a little girl, why are you crying? Why do you want to be a ballet dancer? Why is your head in the clouds? Men are constantly removed from their yin part. That is why they are unable to understand the femininity of women, because the femininity in them has been inhibited. You cannot recognize what is not part of you. But girls are also primarily asked to “do”, which goes against their nature, as we saw above.
Allow yourself to be
It is very difficult to learn to feel when you have been constantly moving away from feeling all your life. It is very difficult to learn to just sit, to stop running away from yourself. You are always looking for something to do, to analyze, to plan. It is useful when the yang energy in a woman makes her take her umbrella when the forecast says it will rain. But if it makes her afraid of every drop of rain, as if that rain were acid, it is no longer useful. I am amused when it rains and I see people running desperately, as if they believe that if they run, they can slip through the drops. If you’re still getting wet, why not let yourself feel the water running off you on a hot summer day? Enjoy the coolness?
I still find myself wanting to “do” something when an emotion hits me. I still run away from emotions, I need to make an effort to let myself feel, it doesn’t come naturally. I analyze that emotion, I turn it on all sides (from the masculine energy), I walk it, that is, I exercise (also from the masculine energy), I ventilate it, and only then I allow myself to feel it, when it is already diminished.
I don’t have a problem being alone anymore, I really like it, I have the opportunity to exercise my yin side: I take a bath, do yoga, write, read, or just listen to what’s happening around me. Once a year I go alone for a few days somewhere, usually to the sea. At first I struggled, I felt guilty for leaving, spending the money, sitting for nothing on the beach while everybody is working… But now I see the benefits of these departures: I am more balanced, I rarely get angry anymore, I listen to my intuition better and so I can make better decisions for myself and my family. I feel when I have to “do” and when I have to “be”.
