I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I have blocked on the Facebook page. In 9 years of blogging, I have only blocked 4 people. I tried to have a dialogue with them, to show them understanding, to reach the conclusion “let’s agree to disagree”, but they had too much hatred. They didn’t want to impose their opinion on me, to contradict me, they just wanted a trash can to dump their hate. So, I chose not to continue a dialogue that was going nowhere, and I excluded those people from my page.
Maybe another time I would have tearfully complained: “I don’t understand how these people can be so full of hate”. But now I understand. I understand how much pain and how much frustration is gathered in those souls, so much that it spills out in waves on everything around them. I understand, but that doesn’t mean I have to let these people into my home, life, and work. The virtual world, like the real world, is big enough for everyone without us having to interact if we don’t want to.
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Many years ago, I wanted to take a self-defense course. I thought that I was a woman, and a small one, I could be a good victim for the aggressors. In that course I would have learned simple techniques to defend myself in the event of an attack. It was about some movements to hit the aggressor in sensitive points, in the testicles, neck or eyes. Something horrible. I gave up. I am 52 years old, I am still a small woman, but I have never been attacked by anyone, so that I have to use any self-defense technique. Although I use public transport, in the wee hours of the night, or I walk in the evenings through deserted corners of the park.
A taxi driver once asked me, while I was alone with him in the taxi, at 2 o’clock in the morning, crossing a deserted part of the city:
– ¬Aren’t you afraid, madam, to go by taxi alone at this hour? What if the taxi driver attacks you? There have been other cases.
I answered him:
– No, I’m not afraid. Are you going to attack me?
– I don’t, madam!
-Then, it’s good. Let’s go.
There is a saying: what you fear you do not escape. Sometimes fear is deeply embedded in our Being, it is hard to get rid of it. When you humbly accept that you have fears, it is a good starting point to integrate, understand and correct them. When you don’t accept them, when you “fight” them or ignore them or hide them under the rug, thinking they will disappear by themselves, then frustrations appear. And malice towards others.
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I still haven’t accepted all my fears. I realize this because there are still situations in my life that push my buttons. And I still “struggle” with some helplessness, I still get saddened by some hateful person who gossips about me, or I still counterattack with sarcasm when someone challenges my values. Yes, I still have fears hidden in the recesses of my subconscious. But I discovered many of them, accepted them, alchemized them and came to terms with them.
I am no longer afraid to walk alone on the street or go on trips alone. I went deep into this fear and understood it. It wasn’t easy for me to admit to myself that when I was growing up, my parents didn’t trust that I could handle myself. They were overprotective, doing everything for me. I was an only child, I came into this world when they were at an old age for those times. I was not a “fussy princess”, as it happens with some children now, but the kind of hypersensitive child, physically and mentally. So, I was protected from the real or imagined evils of life. I wasn’t held in arms, to be told that they trusted me, no matter what I did. Instead, they created a bubble of safety around me, shielding me from the outside world.
Growing up, I didn’t trust myself. I hadn’t learned to do anything, to be able to manage on my own. My parents died relatively young, and I self-educated myself for life. It’s not easy for your self-esteem to admit that at 25 you don’t know where to buy bread, how to pay taxes or how to maintain a relationship. It’s easier to gossip about someone else that they don’t know how to make soup, that they live with their parents in their 30s, or that they’re a “spinster”.
Why are we mean?
Because we don’t accept others, we don’t accept their “defects”. Why don’t we accept others? Because we don’t accept ourselves. Why don’t we accept ourselves? Because we don’t know ourselves, we don’t know what we are capable of. Why don’t we know ourselves? Because we are afraid of what we will find out. We are afraid to go down into our depths, into our darkness. We are afraid to reveal what we find there. So, we prefer to look outside ourselves and throw hate at others. We throw our trash on others. We can’t do it alone, and instead of asking for help, we point the finger: he’s bad, I’m good!
It’s very easy to spew hate online. It is the same as when 2 neighbors meet to gossip about the third one, who is not present. In this way you are both evil and coward. You don’t look your victim in the eye, to see the harm you are doing. Lest you recognize yourself in the eyes of the one you hate for no reason. In all the bad things you say or think about others are feelings you harbor towards yourself. You hate yourself and you don’t accept yourself.
How to be kind?
To be kind to others, we must first be kind to ourselves.
Let us know and accept our faults, and then we will also understand and accept the faults of others. This doesn’t mean whining for pity, indulging in situations that hurt us, or hiding behind trauma. But let’s be honest. Not towards others, but towards us.
When the safety bubble created by my parents broke and I was left alone in the face of life, I hid that I had no idea how to live. All my energy was going into preventing this truth from coming out. I was hiding from my boyfriend, now my husband, from the world, and especially from myself. And I was mean. Gossip, envious and inflexible. I was fighting for my “justice” to the bitter end, I was fighting with diseases, I was fighting with everyone. I thought I was good, because I couldn’t refuse anyone, even if I didn’t want to do a certain thing, I couldn’t say “no”. Frustration was building up inside me and I was taking it out on others. I was suffering.
Kindness comes from forgiveness.
When you forgive, you can no longer be mean. Unforgiveness keeps you stuck in pain and frustration, forgiveness helps you break free. Forgiveness is like a door that you open, a door that lets you out of a dark room, out into the sunshine. You don’t have to forgive the other person, but you, for persisting in the mistake for so long and not freeing yourself sooner.
It took me a while to understand that it wasn’t my parents I needed to forgive, but myself. The parents did what they knew best. They always wanted the best for me. They weren’t perfect, they made a lot of mistakes. But their mistakes are none of my business. My business is not to judge them, but to forgive myself. To forgive my mistakes. To forgive myself and move on.
When you are good, you are good from the overflow of your heart, not because you can’t say “no” or because you trade kindness.
You can’t be kind with some and bad with others. When your heart is full of joy, it is very easy to be kind to everyone. You will notice with amazement that the wicked will turn away from you, if you do not respond to them with the same wickedness that they manifest.
Kindness is different from justice.
Kindness is done with the heart, justice is done with the sword. Kindness comes from joy, justice from frustration. When you feel wronged, don’t throw mud and try to get revenge. Say what you have to say, clearly and without hate, and move on. Don’t stay in hatred, you harm yourself first, then the one you hate, and finally you harm the whole world through the negative energy you spread.
When you are kind, your health also improves.
When you stop being angry, your liver and gallbladder heal. If you are no longer afraid, your kidneys and bladder heal. When you stop being sad, your lungs and large intestine heal. When you start being more flexible and forgiving, being kind to yourself and paying more attention to yourself, you will learn to relax your mind and muscles. You will sleep better and do nice and useful things for yourself. Then you will notice that you will start doing beautiful and useful things for others, with all your heart and with great joy. You will be truly good.
