Lately I’ve been thinking about where and why my transformation started. Not all the steps are clear in my mind. The changes were slow, so slow that the transformation was imperceptible to me and to those around me. Only those who have not seen me in recent years are amazed when they meet me. They don’t recognize me physically. Only my smile is familiar to them. Although I rarely smiled before.
When I think of myself, as I was, I remember primarily the pain, physical and mental. I was a Being made of pain. Structurally, I have a yin nature, so that pain kept accumulating in me, without being able to express it, ventilate it, transform it into energy. I was living within my walls of pain and dreaming that a miracle would take place that would take away that pain. I was afraid to look for the cause of that pain. All I wanted was for it to go away.
I thought I was being punished by God, a martyr who is not to blame that the pain exists in me. And I also thought that the pain was only physical, that I was sad, anxious, mad, angry and devoid of all the joy because my whole body hurt. That if I didn’t have physical pain, I would be happy and fulfilled. I was a Victim waiting for a Savior. I thought I was special and misunderstood. Classic 😊. I realized much later that I was not so special and that all that pain came from within, not from without. And I was right, I was misunderstood. Not by others, but by myself. But let’s take it one at a time.
First stage
I can’t remember what was the final straw that made me realize I’d better put myself to work. I didn’t know what to do, where to start. When you want to wash the dishes, you roll up your sleeves, turn on the water, put detergent on the sponge and use it on each individual plate. You know the steps. But when you want to wash away the pain how do you do it? I had no idea how to do it. I didn’t even know that it takes many small steps, at first into the unknown, then after a while you begin to perceive the direction you are heading, and after many, many years the path becomes clear. I wanted… now. Now all the evil to go away and be… I didn’t know how I wanted to be, I couldn’t look that far.
I didn’t know what I want. I just knew what I didn’t want anymore. I didn’t want my life anymore. I wanted another, new life. So I went from my predominantly yin structure to yang energy. I went from “feeling” to “doing”. And doing, I could not feel anymore. This was just the first stage, which started with the gluten-free diet. The spectacular results of this, complete disappearance of spondylitis pain and going into remission for the first time, made me think I had it all figured out. I thought I was smart, not feeling the pain, I thought it wasn’t there anymore. But the pain only vented through the action, the core of it remained. It took me a while to realize that.
This was the time when I started the Oana gluten-free project, 9 years ago. I was 43 years old. I had already started learning astrology and knew that around 42 meant changes. Then several planets make certain angles, and they all happen at the same time. How we perceive these changes depends on each person’s openness, upbringing, genetic inheritance and other aspects of the birth chart. It is the so-called “mid-life crisis”. It is usually perceived negatively, expected with fear or mistrust and is a reason for gossip in the close entourage 😊.
The second stage
I soon realized that what I was doing was not enough. That’s when I realized that the pain wasn’t just physical, it was coming from somewhere inside. I was no longer in physical pain, I was in remission, but something still hurt, inside. Again, I started looking for the remedy. It was a little easier now. Providential people, books and other useful materials made their way to me naturally. I was listening to what they were telling me, and my horizon was beginning to widen. Soon, I realized that I began to learn not only from what people and books told me, but also from their energy. I started to filter things, and from the multitude of information to take only what helped me grow. People appeared and disappeared around me, at the pace and speed with which I was learning.
At this stage, that mental pain I had been running from for so long surfaced and I began to feel it intensely. It hurt bad. There were times when I thought I was going in the wrong direction. How can it hurt more when you’re on your way to healing? There was no going back, there was no stopping the changes that were coming in waves. I didn’t even want to. As much as it hurt, I never had the urge to stop, to go back to what I had been before. I don’t even think it was possible. If you have learned to read and write, you cannot pretend that you no longer understand the text in front of you. If you have learned to swim, you can no longer sink. There was no turning back.
I began to perceive the “steps” I was walking towards a different understanding of things. Sometimes I stayed too long on a step, and this fact frustrated me. I wanted to go faster, to the next step. Then I understood that I was staying there because it was a harder lesson to learn and I needed more time. I thought I was ready to move on, but a fact in life showed me that I wasn’t. That my Ego took it before Self.
That’s what happened the year the menopause set in. I had a difficult time. But how much I learned then! I came out of remission, gained weight, and my psyche was down again. It was a period that taught me humility. A time when I fell and watched myself fallen.
Current stage
I learned to look at myself from the outside. To turn a difficult situation on all sides, to look at it from all angles. It’s not easy to admit you’re wrong. Not to others, but to yourself. You cannot force yourself to correct the mistake. You have to live with it for a while, integrate it, alchemize it. Forgiveness cannot be forced. And forgiveness is not granted to the others, but to yourself. You attracted that situation, the other is just the “tool” with which you act. You’d better forgive yourself. If you are ok with yourself, you are good with everyone else.
I didn’t touch enlightenment 😊. I don’t know where life will take me, but now I’m enjoying the journey. I am in remission again. I am back to my yin self, I no longer force myself to act. Everything I do, I do slowly. I know I still have a lot to learn and I’m looking forward to what’s to come. I still feel frustration sometimes, anger rarely, sadness and impatience, but I’m not mad anymore. I don’t want to change anything or anyone anymore. Changes come by themselves if they are needed. I just accept them.
To be continued. Life is to be continued.
