
When an autoimmune disease affects us, we suffer not only physically, but also mentally. We are in pain and in a bad mood, unable to complete our daily tasks. All the hassle of going to doctors, who fail to give us an immediate diagnosis, with expensive, painful tests, anticipating the results, doctors’ concern only for the physical part of us, all this disturbs us. We are caught in a carousel of emotions, pains, states… Everything is unknown, unexpected, we think our life is over, we see no coherent future. We do not understand what is happening to us. Then how can we think that our loved ones, who are used to us in a certain way, will understand?
Do you understand yourself?
It will take an adjustment period, longer or shorter, to settle into the new stage of our lives. And this also means a new course of life for those close to you. But they are the same, nothing happened to their health, they would like things to stay as they are. You force the change on them. You don’t want this change either, but the new state of affairs requires it. And then what can you do? You can accept the change, it’s inevitable. “Dig” yourself the new bed of the river that is your life, don’t let it break the floodgates and flood the fertile ground, but direct it with patience and wisdom.
I have received many comments from readers with autoimmune diseases that loved ones, family members, send them to a psychologist or psychiatrist. People see this as an offense, as if they are being insulted and looked at as crazy. The very fact that we have become so defensive and believe that our loved ones mean us harm is proof that we are not well. That we are constantly in combat mode, no matter who or what we are fighting. This constant struggle prevents us from looking at ourselves objectively and looking inside ourselves to see that something is wrong. It also prevents us from seeing those around us as they really are. We see things unilaterally, without noticing the nuances, without perceiving things correctly, without seeing the bad in the good and the good in the bad.
Open your mind: read and inform yourself
Gabor Mate, in his book “When the body says no” demonstrates that there are several factors that contribute to the formation of the disease or to the restoration of health, and always one of the factors is the psychological one. He makes an emotional portrait of the patient with autoimmune diseases (I wrote about it here). He says that disease is a lack of internal harmony, harmony that always comes from restoring balance between body, mind (thoughts) and soul (emotions). It is very difficult for modern people, who has been brought up with attention to the body, with scattered thoughts and repressed emotions, to restore this balance. The specialized help of a psychologist might be welcome to restore balance, or at least to understand where to start.
Most of the time we do not have a correct perception of ourselves and of those around us, and thus we cannot act correctly to restore inner harmony, as well as harmony with others. Andre Moreau in his book “Psychotherapy. Methods and Techniques” says that reality is a personal construction, what in the correct language we call “reality” is a combination of what is and what he calls “truth” about what we imagine in relation to a certain subject: external reality and inner reality. We form an idea in our minds about ourselves, that we are good, we help everyone, but others don’t understand us, that we are unlucky, that others are to blame, that if this or that didn’t happen we would be the happiest people in the world, that if we had this or that, if our husband understood us, if our children were good, if our mother was more helpful… everything would be perfect for us.
We rely too much on others, blame others, or wait to be saved…by others. Let’s learn to perceive ourselves correctly and take responsibility for our condition. In psychology, there is the notion of the “dramatic triangle”: victim, savior, aggressor. Most people with autoimmune diseases can find themselves in these roles. Initially in the role of victim or savior, but also in the role of aggressor, when the frustration becomes too much, when we think that no one understands us and we attack others to please ourselves. We can rotate these roles endlessly, being victims at breakfast, aggresors at lunch and saviors at night. I fought and I won! But at what cost?
It’s not comfortable what I’m saying here, I know. But until we understand that we are playing some roles, which many others have played and are still playing, with the particular variations of each case, we cannot heal, we cannot restore harmony. Or we can’t bring harmony where it never was. Until we understand that others are not evil and do not wish us harm, but are trapped in the same damaging mental constructs as ourselves, we cannot begin to dismantle the unnecessary war inside and between us and others.
Open your heart: give understanding if you want to receive understanding
There is a spiritual law that goes something like this: give what you wish to receive. Thus, you will place yourself in the right energy flow to receive, you will open the way for that thing, feeling, emotion, to reach you. In the present case, give understanding. Without asking for anything in return. Give with an open mind, from the heart, without expectations and without frustration. Do you give the other person understanding? Do you ask them to fulfill their duties (the husband should bring money into the house, fix the sockets, not cheat you, not drink excessively; the child should be good, study well, not join dubious circles)? Do you accept that they cannot always do what is expected of them?
Others can have their dark sides too. What if your husband cheats on you? What happens if the child is not getting good grades? If your sister doesn’t help you when you ask her to? If your best friend gossips about you? You’re upset, aren’t you? But it’s the same thing, they’re not meeting your expectations, just like you’re not doing what they want from you. Your husband expects you to be nice, to do the shopping, to wash, to cook, without complaining or asking for his help. And you don’t do that anymore. The child expects you to make him breakfast every morning, to be with him with compassion, calmness and promptness, every day. You don’t do that anymore, the child feels that you are no longer there 100%. You’ll say: ”but I’m sick, I didn’t ask to be in pain and not be able to fulfill my duties, my husband chose to cheat on me, the child chose the wrong entourage!” How do you know what other people feel? Why do you think you know better than them what to do? Why do you think you are more important than them? You don’t set a hierarchy for the “mistakes” of others, why do you expect them to understand and adopt your scale of values?
“They” don’t understand “us”. Surely the reciprocal is valid? If you don’t give understanding, how could others understand you? Understanding must come from both sides. I’m not saying you have to accept everything that comes from others. But to open your heart to be able to receive. If you have a closed heart you can neither receive nor give.
Set your boundaries
Learn to clearly set your boundaries. To yourself and to others. Learn to communicate them. Our loved ones do not wish us harm, they are not evil and insensitive, but they just have expectations from us, which they want us to fulfill, just as we have expectations from them. Learn to communicate calmly and clearly. If you complain, if you yell, if you threaten, if you slam the door, you will only get the same attitude from them. Or they will be afraid of you. Do you want to establish relationships based on fear and aggression? Be clear about what you want from the other person when it comes to your relationship, and let them know what the consequences will be if they don’t respect your boundaries. And keep your word if they don’t respect you. But at the same time respect their limits too, because respect can only be mutual.
You are responsible for your life
In our life everything starts with us, from us, for us. We have relationships of any kind with people we attract. Diseases are triggered because we chose the environment we live in, the food we eat, the attitude we have towards life. Diseases get worse because we choose not to understand what is going on, we choose to cling to harmful people and habits and not accept to change what made us sick. We are not guilty, we are responsible. Out of responsibility we choose to learn how to be well, not out of guilt.
No one else is to blame for our condition. We are not to blame either. There is no guilt here, it is the way we feel. The others are not “guilty”, but we cast them in this role. We are not “guilty”, but “feel” guilty. You can’t change the way you are, but you can change the way you feel. With patience. It’s a long process with ups and downs. And you can’t change others. Stop trying, you’re wasting precious time and energy.