”I can’t”. You are right.

by Oana

 

We are what we believe we are. If we think we can’t, we are right. If we think we can, we are right again. Lately I’ve learned not to use “I can’t”. I replaced it with “it’s hard for me”. “I can’t” implies a finality, “it’s hard for me” implies a possibility. There is always a possibility, there is always a solution. Maybe it’s something we haven’t thought of yet, maybe it’s something beyond our understanding right now, but if we believe there is a solution, it will appear, maybe not right now, the second we want it, but at the right time. The important thing is not to close our way to that solution, with that “I can’t”. Because “I can’t” is actually an unconscious “I don’t want to”. I don’t want to find a solution because I’m too stubborn, too comfortable, too proud, or I feel good when I cry for pity. As I wrote here before, I have an autoimmune disease, ankylosing spondylitis, which involves a lot of constant physical pain, with any movement and breathing. A common sneeze also means a scream of pain, the shoelaces a whole philosophy, even the common sitting on the toilet is painful. My disease started when I was 18, so I didn’t have a normal adolescence, youth and early adulthood. It was just me and my pain, I didn’t have the strength to see anything else. Then, around age 42, I found the solution. Because I wanted to. But THEN I wanted it. Because for years I took refuge in illness. It was easier that way than facing life. But at some point I wanted to live. And it wasn’t finding the solution that was the hardest thing, but… life itself. I found myself physically functional but scared of life. Ok, what do I do now? So what can I do, I did asthma. Because all I knew was being sick. And again I found the solution. There was a struggle inside me, between the one who knew nothing but being sick and the one who wanted to experience normal life, as most people live it. And I succeeded again! About what it’s like to be 18 years old in the soul when biologically you’re 44, maybe I’ll tell another time. How I changed my vision, how I started going to the gym, dancing, going out to clubs, restaurants, doing yoga…normal things for normal people. Because I can too. Now.



You may also like

Leave a Comment

This website uses its own and third-party cookies to provide visitors with a much better browsing experience and services adapted to everyone's needs and interests. Accept