What if to the idio…uninspired question “who do you love more, mom or dad?”, the child answered “myself”? At the age of childhood we are in the phase of learning, of accumulating, until this question came the child didn’t even know that he could love someone “more”. But if a grown-up says it, it means it is true, so he begins to wonder on what basis could I love “more”? Can I love my dad more for leaving me on the computer than my mom for making me do my homework? Or the mother who showers me with cookies and loves “less” the father who makes me run around the park?
This is just one example of how adults teach children unlove. Love has no degree of comparison or conditioning. We can’t choose who we love more. We cannot love only if the other meets certain criteria or else we move the offer elsewhere. In childhood we learn not to love. And that’s when the dislike for us also begins. We love ourselves if we are tall, slender, smart, earn well… Or we love ourselves in pieces. We love our eyes because they are blue, but we don’t love our legs because they have cellulite.
A friend told me that a few years ago she hated her abdomen. That it is not flat and toned, it has a bit of roundness and the musculature is not highlighted. She hated it so much that she didn’t even notice her long slender legs, her elegant arms with delicate fingers and wrists, on which every ring and bracelet fit beautifully, her expressive eyes with long eyelashes. No, for her there was only the imperfect abdomen. Until she needed emergency surgery. That imperfect abdomen had filled with blood from an internal hemorrhage. Hours, even minutes separated her from death. When she recovered from the operation and was told she was saved she looked at her bandaged stomach and realized how much she loved it. How much she loves herself whole and imperfect.
When I was young I hated my feet. I was ashamed of them being fat and with cellulite and only wore baggy pants and floor-length skirts. I got spondylitis and hated them even more because not only they were ugly they also became impotent, they hurt and I limped. It took me years and years to start loving myself. It was a long and painful process, a process that has not ended. I have learned to love my legs as they are, I no longer have any problem wearing short dresses and fitted pants, I am aware that it is a happiness to have legs that carry you where you want, that we are a whole in which every part has its purpose, that those who possess all the parts are not necessarily the happiest, and happiness does not come from what we consider beautiful in our bodies.
When we love and accept ourselves, our body parts mold to our love. I mean, if you weigh 150 kg and say “but I love myself like that” you can be sure that you don’t actually love yourself. If you love yourself, you’ll find a way to lose weight without struggling, undergoing starvation diets or picking up your tongue from the floor at the gym. There is always a solution. But this solution does not come when you are in a state of bitterness, despair or hatred. You must first love yourself, not for HOW you are, but for WHAT you are. No one is physically perfect. And what exactly is this perfection? Who sets the standard for perfection? And why would we want to fit into a mold? Let’s be children at indigo?
When you subject your body to torture to look better (drastic diets, hard workouts, painful and risky plastic surgery) it is the same as overeating, substance addictions or lying on the couch. You act upon yourself with unlove. And guess what? After you reach your ideal weight, the desired muscle packs, you have D-cup breasts or a correctly shaped nose adapted to the geometry of your face, you will not be happier. You’ll just have some joints weakened by exertion, severe anemia, a big hole in the budget, or the body weakened by anesthesia from unnecessary surgery. Self-love won’t come if you look perfect. If you love yourself, you will have a harmonious body, not a perfect one. You will notice the sparkle in the eyes and the brightness of the smile, not the imperfection of the nose. You’ll notice the feminine curve of the hip, not the thickness of the ankles. You will notice the slenderness of the knees and the harmony of the fingers, not the roundness of the abdomen. People will feel that you are in harmony and admire you, but if you just look perfect, they will envy you. Do you want to be admired or do you want to be envied? Admiration fills both the admired and the admirer with positive energy, whereas envy brings negative energy.
The adults in our childhood taught us unlove, but it is our duty as current adults to correct this in ourselves. It does no good to point fingers, either at us or at others. Our parents, grandparents, educators did what they knew best at that time. They weren’t perfect either, just like we aren’t now. Maybe they weren’t harmonious either, but that’s none of our business. Our business is us.
